A Whole Flock o' Trouble
by Calorimeter
Summary: Mortimer tries to take over the world with a bunch of birds. Originally written for a contest put on by the Keen Fan group on DeviantArt.


Using alien species to take over the earth hadn't worked.

"Never should have outsourced destruction and intimidation," Mortimer grumbled as he tried to think of another way to claim his kingdom. He needed something Blaze wouldn't see coming, something usual and pedestrian. He climbed the pole out of his workshop into the backyard. He looked around the yard, and his gaze fell upon his father's bird feeder, which a squirrel was currently ransacking.

"No, squirrels are too stupid." Mortimer watched some more as several chickadees flew down at the feeder, scaring the rodent. The pecked at the sunflower seed, some carrying seeds to trees to hold between their feet as they pecked the hulls off. _Mom said a director made a horror movie about birds, an Alfred Somebodyoranother. Birds would work._ His tool chosen, Mortimer went back into his workshop, threw more darts at the picture of Keen, and then dropped into the underground work area.

He was impressed by the chickadees but felt they were too small to cause much of a stir. He looked through some books and researched information online. He went down to his copycat Megarocket-Really, Blaze had been so considerate to park it on his space station in view of many cameras- and set course for Australia. He turned on the cloaking device so that no one could bother him in his plans. He wrote down ideas for his army on the way, tweaking them so that his avian army would have maximum impact.

When he landed, he double checked his coordinates and headed south. He reached a slightly-wooded area and found his first target, a cassowary. He wanted his army to have a lot of these birds because he loved the idea of having a minion as ill-tempered and ready to fight as he was. The bird was looking for food, or so he supposed. He took out his tranquilizer gun, calibrated the sights, loaded it, and pulled the trigger. Within minutes, the stocky sleeping bird was loaded into a cage in the megarocket.

For the most part, catching the cassowaries proved to be easy, thanks to the tranquilizer. However, when he shot the twenty-eighth bird, he found out the hard way that he was out of tranquilizer. The belligerent bird charged his hiding spot, and Mortimer decided he would try to mount the bird and ride it to the ship. He made it part way on before the cassowary decided that it had had enough of the pesky human and scraped him off using a tree. As Mortimer lay in a dazed heap, it ran back and gave him a kick in the side. Mortimer managed to hit the cassowary hard enough to convince it to leave. As he staggered back to the ship, he thought _Twenty-seven will do._

He then flew the megarocket to a pool of water to start the next phase of his plan. He wanted a distraction while releasing the cassowaries and figured dozens of shrieking, squawking cockatoos would do. He lay a lightweight yet strong net down by the water and waited. Within twenty minutes, a huge flock of cockatoos landed and started to drink. Mortimer waited as long as he dared and then pressed the button to close the net. Scores of cockatoos writhed in the net, their screams echoing into the sky. After donning earplugs, Mortimer activated the arm that would bring the birds into a specially-prepared room in the rocket. After the birds were released into the room, Mortimer filled it with gas to make them fall asleep because he did not want these birds screaming all the way to Washington, D.C.

He turned on hyperspeed and then laid back for a nap, since it still would take ten to twelve hours to reach the capital. A computer voice awoke him a half-hour outside of D.C., and he then took control of the ship. He first went to the National Zoo and picked up some ostriches and emus to augment his infantry. He then went to the White House and landed on the roof. He called up a floor plan to his watch and then planned a route to the Oval Office. He cut a hole in the roof and dropped through, unaware that some cockatoos had followed him.

He reached the Oval Office, put his ear to the door, and listened. He heard no voices, so he picked the lock. He grabbed some White House stationery and then took a picture of the President's signature. The cockatoos that had followed him started chewing on everything in sight and expressing their pleasure by screaming at top volume. Mortimer tried to catch and shush them, but, being wild birds, they flew to the ceiling and just squawked more. He gave up and ran back to the ship, barely avoiding several sets of security guards.

The birds in the hold were getting antsy and noisy. Mortimer put his earplugs back in and quickly forged an official presidential proclamation saying that the President was resigning and that Mortimer would replace him as dictator for life. Mortimer thought briefly that it might be unbelievable, but the ship alerted him to the nearness of the Capitol Building, so he had to take control. He landed the ship near the rotunda and examined the floor plan quickly. Mortimer quickly then released the birds into the main chamber, and pandemonium ensued.

Cassowaries ran wild, kicking anything and anyone in sight, while the cockatoos flew around, alternately screaming and chewing on furnishings and papers. Mortimer used the chaos to sneak up to the desk where a proposal lay and put his in its place. When the racket had died down, a Congressmember picked up the proposal, read it, and asked for a vote. Congress, slightly deafened and shell-shocked, gave the proposal a strong "aye."

"Power is mine now, mental wimps!" he cackled, happy that his plans finally brought fruit. Today the States, tomorrow the world. "Read it and weep, Blaze!"


End file.
